Yoga and the Crow: Excising that which does not serve.

I went to a yoga class today that was way out of my league. Silly me, I thought “Yoga Basics” was a beginners class! It was hard. I felt foolish. But something happened that makes me think I was supposed to be there.

The studio’s pretty big, don’t ask me the dimensions but 25 of us fit in there pretty well. Mirrors all along one wall, picture windows all along the other. I really like this studio as it is where I take Bellydance and used to take a Shake Your Soul ® class. The point is, I’m comfortable in there with my body, my skills and my self. Or so I thought.

Twenty minutes into the class we’re all hanging out in Downward Dog and the teacher comes up to me. I expect and accept corrections in my yoga practice, just as I do in my dance. How else is one to learn? But she walks up to me, wrenches my pinky finger away from the others in a way that its twisted, probably-broken-at one-point bones just don’t want to go and says, “That’s a bad habit. Spread your fingers.” What could I do? I took the note. “Have you ever done yoga before?”

*****SCREECH******

Suddenly I’m back on stage at the high school auditorium, warbling out my best rendition of Who Knows What as an audition piece for Hello, Dolly! The director (who had cast me previously in half a dozen straight plays) stops me mid-bar and asks, loudly, “Are you even in the school chorus?” I was. I had been for years.

******SCREECH******

Wow! A flashback within a flashback. This had better be good, right? About a year prior to that fateful audition I had turned up dutifully for my voice lesson with Mrs. P, the school chorus teacher. I know now that she had probably just been drunk and grumpy. But at the time her words were like a punch to the gut. “Oh, it’s you. This is a waste of time. You should go back to study hall.”

I have to confess, that I had a moment there when I nearly picked up my mat and left. I don’t know what stopped me. Instead I answered quietly, because I was still upside-down after all, “Yes, I have.”

She walked away. The class returned to standing and I saw in the mirror a reflection of a crow, sitting on a rock in the parking lot rubbing his beak against the stone. He looked calm, purposeful, and much like a chef honing his knife on a steel.

If Mrs. P’s words had been a punch to the gut, this instant was the dent she left finally popping out after 18 years. Those old feelings of inadequacy, the fear of being found out for a fraud, the idea that this teacher’s time was better spend helping someone more deserving? Gone. Don’t get me wrong - I mean, it still hurt. But more like a paper cut than a skinned knee. It was a clean cut.

I do not want to dub this bird an Otherworldly messenger. To me, this is the world that matters. But symbolism and association can be powerful magic and if a carrion-crow wants to excise something dead and rotten within me, who am I to stop it?

All in all, I left the class the way I like to leave yoga practice, feeling a little lighter, a little looser and ready to observe without criticism and simply to trust.

Getting Well: My new year's resolution to be Happy and Healthy

Being a self-described weirdo I am quite used to hearing the phrase, “I don’t know what is wrong with you,” although it usually has more to do with something like fact that I own a Klingon/English dictionary than it does my health. To make a long and boring story short, beginning last June and until October I suffered from incredible fatigue, muscle pain, brain fog and headaches, all of which are still unexplained. I’ve been tested for everything from Celiac to Lyme to Vasculitis and, surprisingly, always checked out completely normal. NEVER thought I’d hear that!

Fortunately my health has recovered but the experience left me a little shaken, and 20 pounds heavier than I wanted to be. So I resolved back in November to make this year of my life the one where I take back control of my health and happiness. It might have taken me two months to get going, but I’m okay with that. This is why I make my new year’s resolutions on my birthday and implement them on January 1. So, how’s it going so far?

Let’s do health first. I’m going to the gym. I’m dancing again…sort of. Ok, I’m back in dance class. I’ve cut out alcohol for lots of reasons but am open to its responsible reintroduction at some point. I’m encouraged by the fact that my body seems to remember what it used to be able to do and is responsive to the memories. My diet has always been pretty good – the next step is to move away from anything that comes complete in a package. More on that some other time.

Happiness. Funny word, that. I am by nature a cheerful, happy person. What I really mean is fulfillment. I am drawn to certain things that I have not allowed myself enough of: brilliant colors, good food and drink, movement, sisterhood, writing, contemplation…. None of these are unobtainable and all of which are resurfacing in my life. I’ve heard it said that believing is seeing and you know what, I believe that to be true.

So, here’s to health, happiness, and 2010 – The Year that Does not Suck.

Optimist '

I’m going to start a blog. No, I’m not. Yeah, sure, I can do this. Nah, I got bored/distracted/sabotaged along the way. Come on, really! This is going to stick this time. I have a whole list of things I want to talk about!

Yes! I’ll start today. Because of this head cold I am all but chained to a box of tissues so I can either spend the entire day playing New Super Mario Brothers Wii or I can start writing personal essays. In fact, I can probably do a little of both. So, here we go. Third time’s the charm!

Let’s start slowly with a list of things that don’t suck:

lol cats

Crock Pots

fresh sheets

a hot shower

la vida veggie

sunrise

knitting

the Red Tent Temple movement

hugs

The Empire Strikes Back

See, that wasn’t so hard. What doesn’t suck in your life?